THIS COMIC IS VILE!!! THAT’S NOT EVEN A REAL PLACE!!! WE NEED TO ALL LOVE EACH OTHER!!! LOVE NOT HATE!!!
An Introduction to The Pick-Up Artist’s Way
“Before introducing the methodology of my pick-up artist system, I
want to give you a symbolic mental image.
Picture a gardener and a tree. Now realize that gardener didn’t make that tree. No, he planted a seed and nurtured it with care and water over many years until it became that tree. Can you picture that?
Great. Now picture yourself after my teachings, a strong alpha male,
charging up to that beta gardener, pushing him over, and then seducing
that beautiful tree.
With this book you will be able to do that. You will be able to fuck trees and anything else you want.”
Taxes
One year I didn’t pay my taxes, just to see what would happen.
The day after Tax Day, the IRS drove a tank through my front door.
“Hey now! What gives?” I asked.
Out of the tank poured IRS people, all saying “Gimme gimme gimme!”
I had to keep putting loose change into their outreached hands until they quieted down.
The tallest one said, “Don’t let it happen again!” and drove the tank through my back door.
I think I paid about $1.37 in taxes that year and my house was half demolished.
But I did learn the IRS has a tank.
I consider that a win.
Subway Pizza
I stopped into a Subway.
“Hey, your sign out front says you make pizzas,” I said.
“Yeah, we make pizzas,” said the employee.
“Are they good?” I asked.
“We make pizzas.”
“Yeah, but are they good?”
“We make them.”
“If I ate one, would I be happy?”
“We make pizzas.”
“Hmmm…I’ll have one pizza.”
The employee motioned me to come in close. She then whispered, “I wouldn’t if I were you.”
“One pepperoni pizza.”
“Don’t.”
“With extra crust.”
“Stop.”
“Boiled, please.”
“No.”
“Some of that mustard too, for dipping.”
The employee’s head exploded, just like a pizza left out in the sun.
I got a $10 gift card for my trauma and spent it on the cookies.
THIS IS HOW THIS COMIC TREATS A WAR HERO AND US SENATOR?!?! I NEVER SAW
GARFIELD TELL A CONGRESSMAN TO SHOVE A LASAGNA UP HIS YOU KNOW WHAT!!!
RUDE!!!
Uber
I was in an Uber the other day. (It’s like a cab but in a car that isn’t yellow.)
And the driver kept talking about his boat. (It’s like a car but in the water.)
Boat this, boat that. Talked about it for like an hour. (It’s like sixty minutes but with a different name.)
Finally, I told him to just let me out at the nearest Wendy’s. (It’s like Burger King but for ladies.)
After I got out, I looked him in the eye. (It’s like the nose but for seeing.)
I said, “Buddy, if I wanted to hear about boats, I would’ve listened to my dad’s boating podcast, Boat-er Safe Than Sorry: The Only Podcast By Boats, For Boats. Only available on Earwolf.” (It’s like a mom but the male version.)
He apologized and drove straight into a river. (It’s like a lake but skinny.)
I gave him 5 stars. (It’s like a 4 but fatter).
I HIGHLY DOUBT AN OLDER LADY WOULD KNOW ANY SONGS FROM THE WONDERFULLY
UNDERRATED STAIND CATALOG!!!! STILL, THAT IS NOT THE WAY TO GO ABOUT
SAYING THAT FOR A YOUNG BOY!!!!
WHO IS THAT GUY??? IS HE FAMOUS??? IS HE A DAFT PUNKER??? THIS COMIC IS EVIL!!!
Can’t believe Elon Musk is dating Grimes!!!
I always liked that No Reservations show where that guy would travel the world eating things.
He’d go to France and eat like a bunch of bread.
Then he’d go to Egypt and eat like a pyramid.
And then he’d go to China and eat like one of the people who make iPhones.
I think the guy’s name was Anthony Bourdain or something exactly like that.
I often wonder what happened to him, but then I look in the mirror, and there he is.
He lives in my mirror.
I don’t even charge him rent, when I totally could.