Commonly Spelled Words

Free Lunch

“What’s this bowl full of business cards for?”
“That’s for a raffle. If we pull out your business card, you get a free lunch!”
“There’s no such thing as a free lunch.”
“If we pull out your card there is!”
“There’s no such thing as a free lunch.”
“With this raffle there is!”
“There’s no such thing as a free lunch.”
“Maybe not normally, but with this raffle there is!”
“There’s no such thing as a free lunch.”
“Okay, you got us. The raffle is fake. We don’t actually pick anyone. Every week we just take out all of the business cards, make fun of the people’s names, and throw them all in the trash.”
“There’s no such thing as a free lunch.”
“Okay, you’re right. It goes further than that. We don’t throw all of the cards away. We keep one and murder that person in cold blood. Right before we do it, we show them their business card and there’s a flash of recognition. Something like ‘Oh my god! I caused this! By putting that card in the bowl, I brought about my own death!’ It’s chilling to see.”
“There’s no such thing as a free lunch.”
“Okay, sir. I can see there’s no getting anything past you. The truth is, we take all of those people we kill and grind up their bodies and clothes and turn it into a rudimentary form of paper. We then sell this paper to a company called Vistaprint, the world’s biggest producer of, you guessed it, business cards. If we pull your business card out of the bowl, we find you, kill you, and turn you into a business card which someone else will put into this bowl only to continue the vicious cycle.”
“That’s what I figured.”
The man placed his business card in the bowl. He was a sucker for raffles

Suits of Armor

I know you want suits of armor in your mansion. Everyone does. But, let me guess, you fear that someone could hide in the armor and you’ll walk right past it thinking it’s just a normal empty suit of armor and then WHACK, the axe hits your head and you’re dead? I’m right, aren’t I? I can tell that I am because you’re nodding and saying “Yep, 100% right.” Well, worry no more, my friend! With a Henderson suit of armor, nobody can hide inside! That’s because Henderson suits of armor are FILLED TO THE BRIM with spiders! There’s no way some goon is gonna hide in your suit of armor, because he or she will immediately be attacked by the ravenous spiders and begging for a quick trip to a spider-free Hell. Now I know what you’re saying, won’t the spiders get out of the armor and run around my mansion? No! Not a Henderson spider! These spiders are bred to love the inside of suits of armor, and trained to do whatever it takes to stay in that armor. A Henderson spider is a smart spider. But what if the spiders work together and control the armor from the inside like a human? That’s a big IF, buddy! Therefore, I won’t talk about it or our upcoming legal battles when that IF became a THIS HAPPENED. So whenever you’re buying a new suit of armor for your mansion, look for the Henderson logo: A winking spider with a winking axe. Or just look for any suits of armor that are wriggling around due to the thousands of spiders in them!